Need to stop being controlled by this inner competitiveness

Recently, I worked on a software project with someone who used to be my manager. Across three rounds of feedback, there were probably more than 30 different points, big and small, that needed revisions. Some feedback I agreed with immediately. Some I tried to explain and gently push back on. Some I was genuinely grateful for because it made the product better. But there was also feedback that irritated me in a very instinctive way.

I felt controlled. Limited creatively. At times, thoughts like these came up in my head:

“This isn’t really necessary.”
“This is too rigid.”
“They don’t understand what I’m actually trying to build.”

Even though outwardly I stayed professional, responded carefully, and even talked to friends so I wouldn’t react emotionally or unprofessionally, internally, I knew there was resistance inside me.

I realized that:

• I like being seen as someone with good taste, experience, and a distinct perspective;
• I like having influence over the product;
• and I dislike when other people’s authority or opinions push back against me.

But the more I thought about it, the more amusing it became. Power between people is inherently impermanent. Today I’m the one receiving someone else’s feedback. Tomorrow I might be the one reviewing someone else’s work. A few years from now, we may all leave the company and go down completely different paths. Yet I had attached so much emotion to what were ultimately very ordinary frictions of working life.

A lot of the pressure I thought came from other people was actually being triggered from within me first.

I think I could experience much more peace if I stopped treating every piece of feedback as a threat to my personal identity. I don’t need everyone to admire me. I only need to stop being controlled by this inner competitiveness and defensiveness, so I can act more cleanly, more directly, and pursue something more genuine.